India’s Dire Need – Regulations for Organised Riots

So this morning with my tea, I took another dose of depressing news. Some guy was beaten up because of alleged buffalo slaughtering, and that too in full view of the police.

I am not someone who has the courage to go a state like UP to verify the claims of the report, therefore I have no options but to trust the news source. Anyway, who cares if the news is true or not? Even rumours cause substantial damage.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t see any way of talking some sense into these cow-vigilantes. I’d rather take up a project to teach Calculus to monkeys in Shimla, if the government were funding any such program.

Anyhow, since I see religious riots on the horizon and in my opinion there is no way we can stop them, so, I thought we’d rather start talking about setting some regulations surrounding them.

People who wish to fight over killing cows and buffaloes should be allowed to do so. This is a free country, after all. My only concern is that such riots must not include people who want nothing to do with this trivial issue.

Keeping that in mind, I think:

Firstly, we must demarcate a particular area and time in towns across the country where the riots are allowed to take place. Flyers should be issued by the police stating, “Come one, come all! Massacre Hindus, Muslims, Christians, anyone you want! No offence shall be taken by any side.”

Secondly, jerseys should be provided to different sides of the argument. We would not want people to kill others who share the same point of view. That would be insane – the only insane thing in all of this.

Thirdly, the people who do show up, must be adequately armed. No one should be able to say that she or he was discriminated against based on her/his religion, caste, creed, or sex.

Fourthly, since the government cannot discriminate between sexes, killing of women would be encouraged. Children mustn’t be spared, as well. Rapes would be highly recommended.

Fifthly, the winner will only be declared only after no person with a different point of view survives.

Finally, the winners must be shot by the police as well, because they’re useless to a civilised society anyway.

I am sure I am missing a lot of key things. We must make sure that no loop-hole is left in this regulation. Also, I think state legislature across the countries must think about strictly implementing a better version of these guidelines.

PS: In case a moron (read a cow-vigilante, a religious nut-job) is reading this, know that this is written ironically. I think this is pretty easy to infer, but human stupidity is boundless. Clarifications, especially in the time we live, are absolutely essential.